Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Happy Star Wars day!

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.