Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.