Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

😂🤣😂🤣

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion