Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.