Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

Anyone want a chair?

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

[at the general store]

me: one general please

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Easy enough.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started