the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
God tier horse name today on the sims
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.