Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
You Might Also Like
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine