Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person