The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
