The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
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If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.