Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!