The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.