The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?