Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.