Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gas station lines at 2 am:

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.