The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Just why bro?!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
