The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Tough love is true love
No. YOU-buprofen.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
😭😭
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.