*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.