The year is 2075.

A student asks how World War 3 began.

The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”

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what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss


My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?


Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.


Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.


would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this


“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies


I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it


At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.


the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”