@notshivi

The year is 2075.

A student asks how World War 3 began.

The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

@ehdannyboy

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

@moooooog35

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

@momjeansplease

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@ShutUpThatsWho

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

@PickleRudd

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

@KirstenCatClub

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

@iRowlf

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

@Tmoney68

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.