God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
The year is 2075.
A student asks how World War 3 began.
The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”
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“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Made terrible sandwiches.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!
Thanksgiving at the Primes
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
& double the price
“are u ok?”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.