@notshivi

The year is 2075.

A student asks how World War 3 began.

The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”

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@UmmmSassy

what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss

@jctwritesstuff

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

@MikeDrucker

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

@JohnLyonTweets

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

@uhJaybo

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

@TravLeBlanc

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

@fanofhell

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

@AimeeHelene1

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

@KelgoreTrout

the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”