The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
🐕🍷
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit