The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
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reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Easy enough.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Golf would be better with landmines.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
This is sending me to another galaxy
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.