The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
It’s a gift
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.