Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

Probably my best painting.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride