Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.