The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
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Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
when dads have a rap battle
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account