Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.