Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.