The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
You Might Also Like
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken