The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
me, too, girl. me, too.