Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.