Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

🙏🏾

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.