The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
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If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
who wore it better?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.