Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

saw this in a dream

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

apparently this year was written by stephen king

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.