The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
smh
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
my mind
You just read my mind