The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread