Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!