Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

All is fair in drunk and war.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.