Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

When I snag the last meatball.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

Is fructose made with real fruct?

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

How I’d get arrested…

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!