The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
me:lmao I saw it on Twitter
them: what’s your Twitter
me: I don’t have Twitter
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
