The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
no!! no!!!!!!
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
