Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

Catering service

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Bike for sale

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.