The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
🤣😂🤣😂
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.