The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation