Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend