The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
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I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Fight
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract