The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
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[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
🤣😂🤣😂
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
sometimes i miss this memes
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.