Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

My kids have picture day this week, so the chances of them giving each other a black eye or cutting their own hair just increased tenfold.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.