The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
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I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
When your parents check you’re ok.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.