Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

never forget

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Is your wife single?

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.