Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not