Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Stonehinge

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.