Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you