Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

i think both sides are to blame here

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant