Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.