Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

Just this preview of the story is enough

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

channeling her this year

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.