The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”