The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.