Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

It has been 3 years since Monday.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

Good morning

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

My astrological sign is KFC gravy