Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Tell the colonel to bring it

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.