[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.