The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
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some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
My wedding will be open casket.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
