“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*