The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”