The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
You Might Also Like
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
good work, everybody
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.