The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”