Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

A sick whale is called an unwhale

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.