The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I saw this ending much differently.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.