The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
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Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*