Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

😞

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes