the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
