Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter