Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”