Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???