the zen of frog
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge