the zen of frog
You Might Also Like
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years