the zen of frog
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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.