Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.