Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

I forgot how to panic. Help

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie