The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
If snakes were wide
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
This 4th of July, please remember…
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Time heals everything 🙂
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.